San Francisco Comedy Blog

by Jeff Cleary

October 29th, 30th & 31st @ The Rrazz Room
10pm
222 Mason Street, SF

Madame, Madame, Madame! Where do I start? You’ve been a comic icon for decades: Laugh-In in the 60’s, you did the game show circuit in the 70’s (Match Game, Hollywood Squares), numerous variety specials, you hosted Solid Gold in the 80’s, had your own show “Madame’s Place”, had a long-running Vegas show – Madame Goes to Harlem…

Madame: I thought I felt a Google! You’ve done your homework!

Still, we haven’t seen you in a while. Where ya been?

M: You know, plotting and planning my way back to the middle of show business. A comeback is always a hard thing to do. Me and Liza were always exhausted all the time.

Speaking of Liza, you had such success in times of excess, so many of your contemporaries fell victim to life in the fast lane. Did you ever have to check yourself into rehab?

M: Someone thought I was burning my, you know, chandel at both ends at one point and said, “Madame, you’re gonna lose everything unless you enter Betty Ford!” And I said, “If President Ford doesn’t want to do it, why should I?” So I skipped it.

As you know: lots of ups and downs in show business. Some people, like your friend Crazy Mary, couldn’t handle it. How did YOU stay sane through it all?

M: Well, Crazy Mary is the most sane person I know! She looks at life through rose-colored lithium, I’d say. But I don’t mind the ups and downs of show business, as long as it’s on the casting couch.

A common pop-culture term today is “cougar”. You know what that is, right? Even though that’s a popular term today, YOU seemed to be the Proto-Cougar, decades ago.

M: I did hit on the doctor that delivered me! I find younger men are into me. And once they are, I think it would be rude to throw them out, so I just let them stay in there.

Do you have any dating advice for middle-aged single women?

M: Yeah, stay home. Leave them all for me.

Are you dating anyone now?

M: Well, you know, everyone is linking me with my new partner…

How ’bout this Rick Skye character? Anything going on there?

M: He’s my new right-hand man. He’s like so many: he tickled my fancy, so I let him stick around and tickle my nasty. He’s pretty good, too!

Where did you find him?

M: We had auditions. I do prefer the casting couch. If I’m going to fall on my face, I like to start out on my back.

Well, we all know you do, but how much do you miss Wayland?

M: Oh God, yeah. Well, that’s really why I’m back. When I’m working, it reminds me of the days when I was with him, so I can be closer to him. And the audiences, they all tell me stories of when they met him and how much fun he was. So, it’s actually helping me to remember him in a nice way.

Although you hosted Solid Gold and had your own show, those years on Hollywood Squares, with those amazing comedy panels, were classic. Who were your favorite co-stars from back then?

M: I loved sitting under Charo’s Coochie-Coochie! She was quite a pick-me-up, wasn’t she? She’s still going strong, my God! And Charlie Weaver to block! He was a filthy old man.

Ever think about writing a tell-all book where you drag out everyone’s dirty laundry?

M: I thought about it, but if I drag out their dirty laundry, some of mine might go out with it! So, no thank you!

Being Center Square was quite an honor…

M: Yes it was, but poor Paul Lynde had to die before I got it.

Well, he wasn’t just going to give it up…

M: Oh yeah, he was a bitchy old broad. They didn’t even know it was me in there for two years!

Let’s talk a little politics. Do you support same-sex marriage?

M: Well, I think nothing is worse than a marriage where the sex is the same all the time. I think you’ve got to mix it up a little, or it gets boring.

Do you support any type of marriage?

M: In the Bible it says “In the beginning there was Madame & Eve.” So, you know, when it comes to sex, I want everything that’s coming to me. But I am for equal rights, so I do support that, yes.

How about Obama’s health care reform? Do you support that?

M: Well, I feel like I’ve been paying taxes since the beginning of time and they spend that on things I don’t support all the time. So I think it’s time they spend that money on taking care of my friends and neighbors and loved ones.

On SFstandup.com, we have a lot of comedians starting out. Is there any advice you can give them from all your years in show business?

M: Yes, give up! I don’t want the competition! Any good comedian will tell you the same thing. Give up!

Are there any comics working today that you really like?

M: I love Louis CK! Mostly because he hates children. Babies are the worst, aren’t they? You compliment them all day and they don’t say shit back to you! Also, I like Wanda Sykes! I saw her the other night, laughed so hard my I.U.D. fell out! She is funny.

Comedy Central recently gave Jeff Dunham his own show and his special had huge ratings. How bad do you want to strangle that guy?

M: Really bad. I think it’s great he has his own show. I just think it stinks that he uses all my old material. That old Walter, he says all my old shit, I can’t believe it!

Have you ever had a puppet-feud?

M: Yes, with that pig, from the Muppets. I just don’t get her. She goes everywhere without lip-stick. She has no glamour at all!

By the way, is the term “puppet” now politically incorrect, like “midget” and “cripple”?

M: No one calls me “puppet”, unless it’s a term of endearment. I’m a lady first and a legend second, and never a puppet.

Finally, both the Mayan Calendar and John Cusack have predicted that the world will end in 2012. You buying that?

M: If the Mayan Calendar has sexy, naked Latinos in it, I’m buying that one. But I’ll pass on John Cusack. I think the world will end when Joan Rivers’ doctor runs out of plastic, don’t you?

You’ll be performing in San Francisco at The Rrazz Room at Hotel Nikko on Halloween weekend, October 29th, 30th, & 31st. Anything we should know about those shows? Like, should people come in costume?

M: Well, I’m in costume all the time, so I think it would be nice if the audience came in costume for a change. I’ll be the judge –winner takes all of me!

We’ll see ya at the Rrazz room this weekend.

M: It’s gonna be a great show.

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