5 Reasons to go see Will Franken at the Montreal Comedy Festival
July 23rd, 2009 | San Francisco Comedyby Will Franken
If I was going to be stuck on a desert island and could only bring along five reasons to go see Will Franken perform in Montreal at the Just For Laughs Festival, July 23rd to the 26th, I think there’d be no question as to what the first reason would be:
REASON 1: MONTREAL IS BETTER THAN A DESERT ISLAND
Montreal is a much better place to be than a desert island. Please bear in mind that I have neither been to Montreal nor a desert island before–but I can imagine that the latter is not as much fun as the former. If you are in Montreal, for example, there are plenty of people you could ask to help you get off of a desert island. But if you’re on a desert island–good luck finding someone to help you get off of a desert island!
REASON 2: CANADIAN HEALTHCARE
Canada has a very good healthcare system. Desert islands don’t even have doctors. Not unless you consider a palm tree a doctor. That may sound crazy–but wait until you go crazy from being on a desert island. That palm tree will start looking like a doctor pretty quickly. Think about it. If you get some sort of desert island disease, what will you do? Have a coconut look at it? Or a crab? Or a seashell? My advice would be to go to Montreal and tell a real doctor that you have a disease because you are trapped on a desert island and he will help you get off of the desert island and then he will fix your disease. He has to. That is his job.
REASON 3: INTELLECTUAL STIMULATION
It is better to see Will Franken perform in Montreal than on a desert island, because on a desert island he has to “dumb down” his material because he is only performing for himself. He has to do stupid stuff that is easy for him to understand like “Why do black people always shoot the coconut open with a 9 millimeter?” or “Why do women hate it when you use up all the fig leaves after a bout of malaria?” But in Montreal, he can be intellectual and talk about how the square root sign reminds him of the mood swings that come from a crystal meth binge or how difficult it would be for Ludwig Wittgenstein to get laid in 2009 since this would involve him being raised from the dead.
REASON 4: WEIGHTLESSNESS
The fourth reason is. . .weightlessness! That’s right! Montreal lies to the north of the United States/Canada border, which means that the entire city is under zero gravity. That means you can laugh while you float! Why have a balloon when you can just be one? And if you’re floating instead of walking, it will be easier to meet a pretty woman at a Will Franken show in Montreal because you can just “casually” bump into someone and pretend that it was only because you are weightless and not because you are a frotteurist. (A frotteurist is a person who has a fetish for rubbing against strangers. Look it up if you don’t believe me.)
And finally. . .
REASON 5: POSSIBLE CELEBRITY CAMEOS
A little birdie told me that Margot Kidder may be making a surprise appearance at one of Will Franken’s shows. Margot Kidder, in case you don’t remember, was the raspy-voiced Lois Lane from the Christopher Reeve-era Superman movies. Bear in mind that a little birdie told me this and little birdies don’t speak English very well. In fact, they don’t really speak at all. They just chirp. So maybe it was wishful thinking on my part that I could interpret bird chirps. Now that I think about it, it does seem a little strange, doesn’t it? That Margot Kidder would come to a Will Franken show? But that’s what it seemed like he was chirping at the time (or she, I don’t know how to tell with birds). Maybe the bird was just asking for food. Or maybe it had to go to the bathroom. But why would a bird tell me it had to go to the bathroom? It would just go, wouldn’t it? So the only other explanation I could think of was that the bird was trying to tell me that Margot Kidder might come to a Will Franken show in Montreal. The bird is my only friend on the desert island. I’m probably guilty of filling in his side of the conversation too liberally.
Will Franken will be performing July 23rd, 24th, 25th, and 26th at the Just For Laughs Festival in Montreal. Click here for locations and times of the shows.
