San Francisco Comedy Blog

by Will Franken

Will Franken is a comedian that walks around his house naked and talks in tongues. Sometimes the tongues aren’t always nonsense. Sometimes the tongues ask legitimate questions. We caught up with Will Franken and his many tongues during one such time.

TONGUE 1: What makes comedy feel good?

WILL FRANKEN: Comedy has calcium. That’s why they call it “stand-up” comedy. Only people who have bones can stand up and only people who drink their milk can have strong bones.

TONGUE 1: But I saw a girl yesterday who was performing comedy and she was in a wheelchair. Are you saying that because she was sitting down, she can never stand up?

WILL FRANKEN: One of the things that I’ve discovered in my comedy is how to draw the line between being a comedian and being a doctor. I’m not saying calcium cures paralysis, obviously. And in that sense, it doesn’t matter how damn funny this girl is– what’s her name, by the way?

TONGUE 1: Kelly Drimple, do you know her?

WILL FRANKEN: Was she on “Meet The Cripples?”

TONGUE 2: No, you’re thinking of Ashley Blowback. Kelly Drimple was in “Limp Legs”.

WILL FRANKEN: Oh, I love “Limp Legs!” Did you see the second season where the kid died and the parents died and the preacher died and the wife died and the dog died? It was so fucking funny! All right, who else has a question?

TONGUE 1: You didn’t answer my question yet. Are you saying that because she (KELLY DRIMPLE) was sitting down, she can never stand up?

WILL FRANKEN: Right, right. Okay, I was saying–it doesn’t matter how damn funny Kelly Drimple is, she can never be considered a “stand-up” comedian. And not just because she’s crippled. Only men can be “comedians”. Women are “comediennes”. Yes, what is your question?

TONGUE 2: Why are women “comediennes” and men “comedians”?

WILL FRANKEN: Well, I think my track record on feminism is pretty strong, and anybody that knows me will tell you that I believe women to be extremely important members of our society and that their importance in the building of Western Civilization cannot be overstressed. However, I think we would be lying to ourselves if we didn’t acknowledge that they can nevertheless be pretty bitchy when it comes to words. Seriously, one time I called this chick a “comedian” and she was like–”you didn’t say “comedienne”! Why are you trying to trivialize me, you don’t believe in me, you’re holding me back…” And she was a guy! Can you believe it? This tranny was just giving me shit. I guess she’d just had the operation that day and wanted to get up and perform as a woman and I suppose it was bad timing on my part… but I just went up to her and said, “hey, bro, I heard you’re a comedian, man” and she went apeshit. But think about it, though. Women, whether they’re trannies or legit, have gone through a lot of persecution historically, so I can kind of understand why they feel they deserve two extra “e”s and an “n”.

TONGUE 3: Speaking of “n”, you’ve been known to use the “n”-word in your act. Why do you hate “n”-words so much?

WILL FRANKEN: I don’t hate “n”-words, I use the word “nigger” all the time. “Nachos” and “Nazis” also.

TONGUE 3: No, I mean why do you hate black people so much?

WILL FRANKEN: I don’t hate black people. You do. That’s why you think they’re niggers.

TONGUE 3: I never said that.

WILL FRANKEN: No, but that’s what your actions show. You’re all worked up about the word nigger because you think black people will be offended. Well, if they’re not niggers, why would they be offended?

TONGUE 3: I shouldn’t agree with that, but I do.

WILL FRANKEN: Okay, who else has a question?

TONGUE 5 (Speaking for Tongue 4): Is it true you once kissed a snake?

WILL FRANKEN: No. I was misquoted. I pissed a rake. An entire rake came out of my penis and landed in the toilet. Of course, it wouldn’t flush. But it also wouldn’t come out of the toilet either. In other words, it was stuck. Kind of like comedians get sometimes when they find out their stage is made of quicksand. That’s an old club trick to get customers in and keep comedians out.

TONGUE 6: When is the best time to tell a woman that you love her?

WILL FRANKEN: Well, I would say there’s never really any one, single “right” time that you should tell a woman you love her– so don’t. Never tell her. Ever. That gives her the power, man. And then she sucks you dry (and not in the good way, either). On the other hand, we have to face facts. There are times where in order to save somebody’s life or maybe even in the interest of national security, you might have to tell a woman that you love her. My father was in Vietnam, for example, and while he was there, he told a lot of women– my mother included– that he loved them. That’s one thing that the anti-war movement doesn’t understand. Sometimes you do have to use love in a combat situation. So with that in mind, knowing that at some point it’s either love or be loved–if you want to live, you’re going to love. And in order to love, you’ve got to tell a woman you love her. And I would say the best time to do that is three minutes after midnight.

TONGUE 7: Why three minutes after midnight?

WILL FRANKEN: Well, at the stroke of midnight, yesterday’s girl turns into today’s woman. The first minute after midnight, her recent empowerment is too strong. At minute two, she’s starting to doubt her decision to empower. At minute three, she wants to be a girl again. And girls are more suggestible and receptive to controversial statements like “I love you.” What does this have to do with comedy, by the way?

TONGUE 8: Well, I’m starting out as a comic here in the Bay Area and I met this woman at the open mike last night at Sheffy’s Shicky-Shack out in the Inner Mongoloid.

WILL FRANKEN: Right.

TONGUE 8: And I think I love her.

WILL FRANKEN: Jesus, how can you tell?

TONGUE 8: That’s what I’m asking you.

WILL FRANKEN: Find out if she loves you first and then ask her how much she’s willing to pay to be loved back.

TONGUE 9: How much would you charge for your love?

WILL FRANKEN: My love is expensive. My love is not cheap. My love is real, but not constrained by reality. My love encompasses you, yet knows no bounds.

TONGUE 9: And how much would you charge to do a comedy show?

WILL FRANKEN: Sure! What time do you want me down at the club? You don’t need to pay me! I’m just glad to be supporting live comedy here in the Bay Area!

TONGUE 10: So love is expensive and comedy is cheap?

WILL FRANKEN: Comedy is cheap if you’re good at it. If you’re too good at it, comedy consumes you. And then you cease to be a human being and become only a comedian. Because we’re not much in the way of human beings, true comedians. We fail so much at humanity, we figure by charging an arm and a leg for our love, the prices will reflect our inner worth. But laugh at my funny faces and silly voices- I’ll end up paying YOU!

Beginning July 6th at the Marsh Theatre, Will begins a run of his new one-man show, “Grandpa, It’s Not Fitting” - visit willfranken.com for details…

Leave a Reply | Trackback